Tesseract at Portland Winter Lights Festival ©Skyler Lemay 2024
To become is to be part of a process by which the stable identities—the majorities—are dissolved in creative acts in which more fluid ‘identities’ are created, but only as the by-products of the process itself.
~ Todd May
Milestones are an interesting concept, but I remain captivated by the impact of reflecting on the growth that has happened over the years. 3 years ago from today, I started HRT. I had finally started working through the chest of gender feelings that I had tried for so long to escape from. I could no longer avoid their haunting reminders of a truth that I had long known, but had repressed for far too long. I had just come out at work, and shared my name with my team. I was about to meet them for the first time, and it felt like a better time than any to share this news.
I told myself, my partner at the time, and others that not much would change about me. That I was finally aligning an aspect of myself, but otherwise was the same person. That was so far from the truth. As I continued to examine my identity and its various intersectionality points, the scaffolded façade of my persona became clear. Transition became not a small piece to sort out, but called attention to the cacophony of discord in my soul. What was a coping mechanism? What was a core part of who I was? Was there a mix of the two and maybe some other elements? I chose to tear down all of the elements, slowly piecing things back together akin to Marie Kondo’s physical organization style—what brings me joy and feels like me.
I discovered that several core systems remained intact, while many of the offshoot branches were no longer viable or representative of the current growth cycle. They needed to be pruned to allow new growth and exploration. In true pendulum nature I swung from one extreme to another, before finding what felt best. I went from mostly antisocial to hyper social, before uncovering that my neurodivergence collapsed under those circumstances. I uncovered the nuances of how I could be more connected to people than I ever have been, while also respecting my brain and not burning it out.
One of the amazing and beautiful things about working through both gender identity and neurodiversity in a short period of time has been the opportunity to truly reinvent my understanding of self. Doing two major aspects of identity work in consecutive years is a bit overwhelming, and it would have been great to spread those out more. However, I’ve become a more confident, self expressive, and creative human being as a result of it. I unmasked so much of my identity and found friends, loved ones, and community who appreciate and desire to be with that unmasked self—chaotic as it may be.
Identity work has been some of the most challenging internal work of my life. It’s also exceeded every expectation I could have dreamed of. Naïve me thought that little would change. They had no idea how almost everything would change. I’m forever grateful for her taking that terrifying leap, for the trans people who paved the way for me to engage in this work, and for the past self who did the best that they could to arrive at the point where she was finally ready to engage in this work.
In a male-centered gender hierarchy, where it is assumed that men are better than women and that masculinity is superior to femininity, there is no greater perceived threat than the existence of trans women, who despite being born male and inheriting male privilege “choose” to be female instead. By embracing our own femaleness and femininity, we, in a sense, cast a shadow of doubt over the supposed supremacy of maleness and masculinity.
~ Julia Serano