Cycling has been a strong source of joy for me since 2020, when I rediscovered my enjoyment of it in the pandemic. I love the adventures it takes me on and encouraging me to slow down to take in the beauty around me. I didn’t have the option to find a group of people to ride with at the time. When 2022 rolled around, I finally began processing my gender identity. Lycra doesn’t really hide anything for anyone, let alone someone who is processing waves of gender dysphoria. I rode the Seattle to Portland event in July 2022 with some family and their friends. I knew the event would be challenging. While I could definitely notice the changes in my body, hormone replacement therapy is a slow process. The people I rode with were great, but the split second judgments and gendering from strangers steadily broke me down. I don’t blame those individuals. It’s an unfortunate reality of society’s current presumption of gender. I didn’t ride my bike consistently for a year after that event. I lost that deep sense of joy.
In July 2023 I moved back to Portland opted out of having a car. Cycling became a strong preference for errands and getting groceries. After a while, the road bike started getting some more use and I slowly started unearthing that joy and processing the pain. Cardio activities have been a staple in managing my mental health since 2022. I found myself wanting to ride more, but more importantly wanting to ride with other people. Unfortunately, a seemingly monumental societal and internal barricade was in the way. Before diving into this I must share a content warning as well as a disclaimer. The rest of this post touches on transphobia, and specifically being a trans femme individual in sports. While there are no explicit or direct confrontations discussed this can be a triggering topic for trans folx. Please make the best decision for your well being. As for the disclaimer, the thoughts represented in this post are mine alone. Though I am active within multiple organizations regarding the discussion of trans individuals in sports, none of what I am saying should be construed as me speaking on behalf of these organizations.
It takes a minimal level of awareness to know that trans participation in sports, as well as other anti-trans legislation, has been a large focal point of the GOP for the past several years in the United States. This blocked me from even exploring the possibility of joining a women’s cycling club for months. It took a lot of internal reflection and discussions with friends and my therapist to recognize that my improving performance was due to the fact that I was steadily, and somewhat aggressively, increasing my training load. In retrospect, this seems obvious and the clearest answer, but the claws of societal transphobia had latched on deep. It took me until November 2023 to finally inquire with a local club if they welcomed trans women and/or femme adjacent individuals in their club. This also included inquiring if the club had previously had trans femme folx ride with them and how that went. To my relief, they responded yes to both questions and I decided to step into the anxious unknown. The events and conversations that followed deeply changed my engagement with sports.
I tenuously joined my first group ride, and was immediately welcomed into the group. At no point on that ride, or any time since, did I feel othered. I kept coming back to the rides when I could make it, shared my positive experience with others, and started building some great new friendships. I shared how these experiences helped my healing process. I had amazing conversations around biological diversity and the overtly misogynistic tones of current rhetoric. Unbeknownst to me, these friendships would prove to be the foundation of conversations around competition.
Historically, I haven’t been a fan of organized sports beyond watching the occasional hockey game in person. I attempted to play basketball in 7th grade and couldn’t stand it. I only made the team because not enough people tried out. This historical context combined with current transphobic sports bans, including the UCI, resulted in me not even considering any sort of competition. In my mind, it was a closed door, and I wasn’t sure I would even be interested. On a fateful 100km birthday ride in January (not mine), several friends began kindly inquiring about my interest in competition. They wanted to compete with me if I was interested. They also shared that many of the local event organizers and the racing organization had trans inclusive policies. The door was both unlocked and I had multiple data points supporting the option to explore this.
The exploration of new things and not artificially constricting myself has been a recurring theme this year. Since those conversations, I participated in my first ever gravel event/race as well as two road races. I’ve had in depth conversations with the racing association about how their policies fail to acknowledge the existence of non-binary people and how that works within their policy. This aligns with my activist tendencies. The emotions and experiences that have been unlocked over the past 6 months are something I could not anticipate.
It turns out I actually enjoy competitive sports. I’m far from exceptional, but I can keep up in the field of athletes I’m competing with. My experience in women’s sports has been one of mutual admiration. Yes we all want to have the best ranking we can, but that is combined with so many subtle things that I haven’t previously experienced or observed. It is letting a competitor into the bunch for protection from the wind, knowing that I will also be in that position. It is the genuine congratulations and celebration for the winner of the event, combined by acknowledging and complementing others on their attacks, how long they pulled at the front, and more. The women and non-binary folx I race with inspire me to improve both strategically and physically. This inspiration lands very differently than a king of the hill, if you aren’t first you are last, mentality that I have experienced and observed prior to transitioning.
There are so many more thoughts and reflections I have on this topic, but this post is already long enough. I’m sure I will experience transphobia at some point, but there are so many beautiful and positive things happening that don’t always get press attention. I am so grateful for the women and individuals who helped me recognize that I am an athlete who belongs and is welcomed. I am a visible trans athlete, and I am not alone. 🏳️⚧️🚴♀️